If I had a dime for every time I was given the “oxygen mask” advise, I would be a very rich woman.  If you aren’t familiar with the analogy it is one often given to moms but especially to moms of children with special needs.  It is advice given when I am breaking down.  The person tells me, “Remember what they say in the airplane?  Before you assist someone else you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.”  This is self care.  You need to fill up your own tank before you can give to others.  It is permission to be selfish.  It is wise and appropriate advise….if you can if fact reach your oxygen mask.  Mine is out of reach.  It has been tampered with and I am paralyzed.  Yet every day, I must get up and care for these four tiny people.

So what does one do in my situation?  How in the world do you practice self care when all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room and you are going down in flames?  That is how life feels right now.  I am in the middle of a fiery plane crash trying to juggle chainsaws while hoping on one foot and with my right arm tied behind my back.   With a broken oxygen mask.  People, well meaning, lovely, kind people tell me to take time for myself.  Get a massage.  Get my nails done.  Go away for a weekend.  Take a walk.  Do some gardening.  Learn to knit.  I feel as though they do not comprehend the word picture I have painted here.

Another thing people tell me to do is “relax”.  Imagine you are watching someone who is drowning.  Their head keeps bobbing up and down, they are gasping for air, swallowing water, arms flailing and you holler from the shore, “JUST RELAX!  BREATHE!  CALM DOWN!  IT IS NOT SO BAD!”  What kind of lunatic would do that?  That is terrible advise for a panicked drowning person.  So what do you do when you see someone drowning? You call for help.  You pull them out.  They cannot do it themselves and there is no judgement there.  A drowning person cannot rescue themselves.  They must be pulled out to safety.  At times they need air breathed back into their lungs.  They need the water they were drowning in purged from their lungs.

I am a mom to four amazing children.  I am a mom to kids who have special needs.  I am drowning.  To my fellow moms who are in this situation, as ridiculous as it may seem, we really must find some way to practice some amount of self care.  I wish I could tell you how to do it and I could give you a step by step guide.  I can only tell you the small things I am doing and encourage you to find something, anything, to ground you.  When I feel things spinning out of control I need something to pull me back in and as crazy as it might sound I take a deep breath and focus on the fact that I am in pain.  I physically hurt.  That pain grounds me.  I purposefully take a deep breath and slowly blow that air out and focus of relaxing just the tiniest bit and I can feel that tension in my shoulders ease up just a bit.

For those of you who know a mom who is drowning, do something.  Do something meaningful for that mom.  Think about what would speak love and care to that particular mom and do it without hesitation.

The best friends that I have are not the ones who have something to say to me when everything is falling apart.  The best friends are the ones who are willing to stand in the shit storm with me.  Just stand there in the midst of it and be.  Be a friend who is willing to get a little dirty.  Be a friend who brings coffee.  Be a friend who knows when to shut up.  Don’t say, “I am here for you”  just be there with them.  If you have the energy to tell me about my oxygen mask, please, reach out and help me to put it on.